No marriage or relationship is perfect. Every relationship has problems, just a different set. Here I will talk about love, relationships and what it takes to make it succeed. Interested in advice or want to share an experience? Send a comment. We'd love to hear your story!
When you're experiencing the emotional jolt of a break-up, music can be a powerful healer and motivator. It can help us to identify feelings and release by singing lyrics on the top of our lungs and pour out our emotions! Music can be transforming and motivational. Especially, when certain songs provide reflections from past broken hearts that have healed and we have overcame, putting us back to a time that we thought we'd never be able to get through. But now we can look back and feel strength because we know we got through it then, we'll get past it now.
So please share, what's your favorite motivating break-up song??? (If you'd like to post one, please post the youtube video url link to it so it's easier for people to have this post to come back to and listen to some uplifting music.)
Why do women snoop? Call it baggage or a woman's instinct, but I'm a guilty party. I don't know any woman who doesn't snoop through their man's stuff. I'm not speaking of everyday psycho stalker going through his voice mails, e-mails, address book, text messages, pockets, receipts, wallet, drawers etc..., but every once in awhile a peek here and a peek there. Granted if a man has been dishonest before then the urge increases. When infidelity occurs, psycho stalker snooping is generally an automatic response that can't be helped. This type of emotional turmoil can result in some serious mental illness and professional help should be sought. Trust me....been there....done that! (But almost always found evidence of my ex's multiple infidelities!)
For the general snoopers though, one might say that it symbolizes distrust. I don't necessarily think that's the case. It could be baggage, but personally, I'm just nosy. LOL I highly doubt Papa Bear would ever cheat on me. He's not that kind of guy and has enough problems with me. He doesn't need any more! :) One of the things I value most about my relationship with Papa Bear is I have never caught him in a lie. Sometimes he's too honest for his own damn good!
Men aren't always the best at communicating, especially emotions. If I find something handwritten of Papa Bear's, naturally I'm going to read it out of curiosity. He frowns upon this. Not because he's hiding something, rather because he thinks I'm not respecting his privacy. Give me a break! Didn't he realize he lost the gift of privacy the day he said I love you???
So here is something that challenges my beliefs. As I've mentioned previously, I'm a great preacher and a horrible practicer! Of course every human being on earth has the right to their own privacy. It is completely unfair and disrespectful not to grant them this God given right. I know this. I feel strongly about this. Yet...I still snoop. Shame on me!
God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
What a beautiful saying! It's too bad that it's not as easy as it sounds.Perhaps it IS up to me, but how do I find the patience to decide to let him stay and refuse to let go?
I don't know about you but in my love relationship, when the really tough times approach, my automatic reaction is to run. I want out! I want to move on. I want to leave his ass! I feel I deserve better. And it's not until the rough patch is over that I look back and reflect, wondering how we made it through AGAIN.
As I mentioned previously, Papa Bear and I are attending couples counseling. Our last visit we were in a full blown fight! He pulled his same crap again-same fight we've had a billion times over the past six years. To me, it's a breaker! It's one of those fights where you're analyzing different survival methods without him. Are you familiar?
Anyway, I walk into the therapist's office and burst into tears at the question, "How are you?" (Yeah, I wasn't in the best frame of mind!) After explaining our ordeal, my very friendly and down to earth psychotherapist explained that I can't expect a change in two sessions. It takes 6-12 months of ongoing therapy before a person can start to work through behavioral changes. I know that sounds realistic, but not to the person involved! SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR?!? Are you kidding me? Wasn't the threat of couples counseling enough to knock his head out of his rear? Apparently NOT!
I have barely been able to get through this last troublesome time. Where am I going to find the patience and strength to hang on another 365 days, 8760 minutes?
I find my biggest motivator to be patient through the tough times in my relationship is my children. Who wants to share holidays and weekends? Who wants the uncomfortable feeling of the "ex" at school functions and extracurricular activities?
Deep inside I know that people mature at different rates. Papa Bear is not the same as he was when he was 28 years old, nor myself. He HAS improved. We are both changing at different paces. It is natural to mature at different rates and for conflict to arise because of the differences in goals, dreams, passions and personalities. This is a common problem in ALL relationships.
It is also very common for two people to fall in love with each other because of their differences, only to find out later that these differences create a lot of conflict. For example, I am an organization freak. I am a planner and consistency makes me feel stable and secure. Papa Bear is spontaneous and a live by the heat of the moment type of guy. Initially we were attracted to each others' differences. Now we pretty much resent each other for them.
These are text book problems. You will find information on these common problems in a majority of books on marriage and relationships. Those are the problems and patience is the answer. But no one really discusses how. It is just assumed that patience will come naturally. Patience is not natural for everyone and surely not for me! Everyday I wonder how people survive in a marriage for an entire lifetime. How do they get through all of these "common problems"? Does it ever get better than this? Some people are stuck financially and are forced to stay married. Do they resolve their issues and ever find happiness? Or do they live miserably until the day they die?
Besides sticking it out for my kids, all I can do is pray really hard and try to focus on the good. We may not be having "good times" right now, but we have had them many many times before. Papa bear loves me very much. He's funny, handsome, intelligent, honest, hard working and a great Dad. At times he really can be one of my best friends. No one is perfect. Our issues are repairable. They aren't things that can't be changed. He's going to therapy for the sake of saving our relationship. Surprisingly he is responding well. We are both very fond of our counselor. In only two sessions she has spent a lot of time getting to know Papa Bear. He is honest, attentive and open with her. I think good things could happen if he keeps it up.
Oh and the best part....the couples therapist said it's going to get worse before it gets better. hahahah......LOL....OF COURSE IT IS!!! Obviously that makes perfect sense. We open up, discuss the negative feelings we have towards each other..... the deep bitterness and resentment, of course it's going to get worse.
I have never been a big fan of counseling. From previous experience, therapists sent me home with books to read and worksheet homework assignments. That is stuff I can do on my own without paying $200.00 per hour. For the past 10 years of my life, I have chosen my own path for self discovery. I have read several books about psychology, human behavior, marriage, gender and so forth. I probably have spent less than $200.00 on all of the books I've read. I have grown tremendously and prospered emotionally and spiritually.
Additionally, no one can change me but myself. I am the creator of my life. I am the artist painting my picture. I can paint it any way I would like. If something is out of my control, I grieve it (if applicable), accept it and try to let it go. Generally, I'm a fix myself type of gal (YIKES-maybe that's the problem! Just kidding.) I consider myself to be very intelligent and when something is outside of my power, I turn to God. I have a very strong faith in God and trust that if something works out in a way I'm unhappy about, there IS a reason and one day I will know what the reason was.
Sometimes we have the power to change things, but may not know how or choose not to. In these type of situations a psychotherapist may help. There ARE times when we need an unbiased opinion from an outsider we can trust. There are different circumstances for everyone.
When it comes to relationships and marriage, we cannot change our partners. We do not have the power to change our partners actions and behaviors. We may try and sometimes they may cooperate, but often times trying to change our partners results in bitterness and resentment.
Communication is detrimental to the success of a relationship. Papa Bear & I have the worst communication EVER! (Poor communication can be fatal in relationships and are often the root of marriage problems.) It doesn't matter how many times I try to express my feelings or in how many ways. I've tried irrational screaming and throwing things, talking calmly, writing letters and direct talking without emotion. I've gone as crazy as making him a video to watch alone. (Love can make ya nuts!) I just can't seem to get through to him. After 5/6 years of the same vicious cycle of fighting, I have gotten to the point where my anger and resentment is too much to bear. Our intimacy has decreased tremendously and I often wonder how I feel anymore. I know I love him, but I haven't felt in love in awhile. I am exhausted. I am tired of saying the same things over and over again and the results not changing. I'm sure he's just as tired of hearing it.
Despite my feelings about psychotherapy, We (I) have decided to seek professional assistance. I am desperate to save my relationship and my family. I DO NOT want to give up, yet I feel my motivation to work on our relationship rapidly declining. I don't have much strength left to fight.
I hate to say I'm going to relationship counselor because I'm looking for a referee. Perhaps I'm looking for that unbiased opinion. I need someone to open up years worth of wounds and help us heal them through effective communication. I want someone to explain to Papa Bear that I'm not crazy and/or unreasonable. I want to say things and mean them. I need to be able to cope with the fact that we have been raised differently and have different values. We are wired differently and have different perspectives and expectations. We are maturing at different rates and have different goals and mindsets. I'm a fantastic preacher, but not too good at practicing what I preach. Although I understand our differences, I don't know how to NOT let them hurt me. I try that "choosing" crap and it just doesn't work for me. I really hope and pray we gain something from professional couples counseling and our relationship improves.
I would love to hear others' experiences with couples or marriage counseling. Has it worked for you?
Every year as Valentine's Day approaches (for the past few years), I can't help but to feel irritated and angry that this will be yet another year without a proposal! It's obvious to me when Papa Bear asks what I want for Valentine's Day aka our anniversary, that he hasn't shopped and surely hasn't bought me the damn ring I deserve!
When Papa Bear and I met several years ago, we were both fresh out of bitter break-ups. His break up was a divorce. (I have never been married.) At the time we both felt very negative about relationships and love. He made it very clear to me that he would never marry again and had no faith in the meaning of marriage. To him it was an expensive piece of paper. At the time I had no faith in love and relationships so I didn't care.
As the years passed, love grew and my vision of relationships became a bit more optimistic. I realized love stinks at times. Yeah-that's life! It doesn't mean you have to break up. With this new found perception came new found dreams. I want to be married and I want to be married to Papa Bear, the man I love with all my heart. I have expressed my feelings to him time and time again and although he still thinks marriage doesn't mean anything and it is an expensive piece of paper, he understands it's important to me and assures me that it will happen. He says it will happen when I stop telling him I want my damn ring already. So, since Valentine's Day of last year I have barely mentioned it. When other people who don't have kids or have been together a much shorter time and get engaged, I tend to bust his chops about it. But otherwise, I have not mentioned a word.
So here we are at another Valentine's Day and he keeps asking me over & over what I want. I've replied that he should know and it's something I want him to want so quit asking me. Honestly, I don't think he gets it!
As a side note, why do I want my proposal as a Valentine's present? It's our anniversary and I've always felt like we were shot with cupid's arrow on Valentine's Day, so it's super significant to me. I dream of being proposed to and married on Valentine's Day. Maybe it's a little superficial, but everyone is entitled to their own dreams.
Now, I'm trying not to get myself all aggravated and disappointed but I can't help the way I feel. Why doesn't he want to marry me? Why doesn't he want me to be his wife? I know he loves me unconditionally and plans on being with me forever. I know he's over his ex-wife. So what's his deal? Why is he still jaded? Urrrgghhh, love can be SO annoying!!!
At the end of the day I know that I could spend the rest of my life with someone whom WILL marry me, but I may not share the same love, dreams, values and happiness with. OR, I could stay unwed with my meano Papa Bear and know that I'm growing old with someone whom I love endlessly that shares the same love, dreams, perspectives, interests, and joy as I do. I trust him, I have faith in our love and we have kids. How much is that piece of paper really worth?
Fortunately, this post is not about my relationship. Thank God!
What do you do when it gets so bad that it's to the point of unhealthy? In marriage and long term relationships, I have discovered through experience and research that it's totally natural to fall in and out of love. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus describes it as a dance. As adults we know and expect this to happen. We work at nurturing the relationship, evaluate how we can improve ourselves and make our spouse happier. We wait out the rough times. It's all about give and take. It requires patience, effort and sometimes sucking up things we feel may not be fair.
But what happens when there is so much anger and resentment that the patience, understanding, forgiveness and love is no longer present on either side? Neither person has any strength or motivation left to give. The feelings toward each other almost become hate (or at least feel like it). Conversation turns into verbal abuse and each others presence provokes feelings of repulsiveness.
I have very strong values in marriage. (Something that is not mutual between Pappa Bear & I, but that is for another post.) When you love someone and make the commitment of marriage, you give your word to love, honor and trust through GOOD TIMES AND BAD!! You promise to stick it out and WORK, even when you feel you can't stand the other person. You give your word and betraying that is dishonest, disloyal and dishonorable. I believe the only exception to divorce is when there is infidelity (because the promise was broken right there) and obviously physical abuse. In my opinion, abuse should be addressed in the vows. Physical harm is unacceptable in ANY type of relationship!!!!
I believe it is extremely detrimental to a child's future when they come from a broken home. Granted, they CAN grow to be loving, fulfilled and happy adults. But do you really think the kids want to split holidays, weekends and all of the other grief that comes along with separated parents? What do you think goes through their minds when they have to draw pictures of their families in school? Or when they have to explain to classmates and teachers their family drama? Things come up and an explanation is needed. I was a single parent. I experienced it first hand. Trust me, it happens! There are several different types of circumstances where this occurs. For example, sleepovers. Why can't little Sally go to the sleep over? Because it's her Dad's weekend? Oh. That stinks. You would think that in this day in age with all of the broken families and single parents it would be normal. But it's not. It's very embarrassing for the kids and heartbreaking as an adult.
So which is better for the kids? To be embarrassed and feel sad? Or to see their parents disrespecting each other, verbally abusing each other and being manipulative?
Do you break the vows you made? The promise to God, the other person and yourself? What is the answer? My question goes beyond counseling. I'm speaking of unsuccessful counseling and years of misery. What do you do? What do you believe in? Where do your morals stand? When is enough enough?
Do all relationships reach this point at some time or another? Will you continuously repeat history? Every time it gets bad, walk out? Will you ever find everlasting love? Or will you grow old alone? Will that make you happier?
I think just about everyone experiences these feelings at one time or another. The answer is an individual choice that can't be made by anyone but yourself. Follow what your heart tells you to do. Shut off your mind and listen. What do you know down deep inside is truly the right answer for you?
Any insight? Please share your thoughts. I would love to hear.
One of the things that has really instilled a lot of aggravation in me lately is the fact that my guy (we'll refer to him as "Papa Bear" from now on) doesn't hold up his end of the household responsibilities sometimes. He has been laid off since Thanksgiving. The first week of January we both started home improvement projects. Obviously his is much more involved than mine. I painted the bathroom and all of the cabinets. His project was/is to rebuild our kitchen cabinets from scratch. (Which is actually a project that results from a home improvement project gone bad that I attempted to do years ago. Regardless....he's taken the responsibility to revamp the cabinets.) I work two jobs and had the bathroom done in a week, working endlessly until it was complete. He works a side job here and there while he is laid off and has accomplished cutting the wood.
If he was working his butt off, I would not complain. But he's a sleepaholic and rather then getting up and working on the cabinets, he sleeps all day. To top it off, on the days he hasn't slept all day, he went out partying with his friends whom are also laid off. And now he tells me he has to take a ride with his buddy upstate to go return a crib with him. Are you kidding me?? He can ALWAYS jump to do a favor for his friends but when it comes to improving something for our house, it's like having teeth pulled without the Novocaine!!
Managing household chores and responsibilities is a very common problem in marriage and cohabiting relationships. When someone doesn't hold up their end of the deal it is extremely irritating and frustrating. I do not believe this is a legitimate reason to call it quits. This is where the work comes in. It's important to communicate in a non-threatening way when you feel angry or it will build into bitterness and resentment. ( That's where I have a problem. My communication comes across as nagging or sarcastic. I've been working on effective communication for years!) It is also important to pick your battles. If you constantly "discuss" how the socks on the floor or dirty plate on the table bother you, eventually it will not get taken seriously. Suck those minor irritations up and try to focus on the positive. One day that person may pass on before you and you will miss their obvious presence.
I have spent 5 years of good & bad times with my boyfriend whom I live with. We have 2 daughters, a tween and a toddler. We share many of the same interests, but not the same motivation and focus. We love each other. We have always been honest and faithful to each other which are the roots of my patience.
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