Are you a snooper?

Why do women snoop? Call it baggage or a woman's instinct, but I'm a guilty party. I don't know any woman who doesn't snoop through their man's stuff. I'm not speaking of everyday psycho stalker going through his voice mails, e-mails, address book, text messages, pockets, receipts, wallet, drawers etc..., but every once in awhile a peek here and a peek there. Granted if a man has been dishonest before then the urge increases. When infidelity occurs, psycho stalker snooping is generally an automatic response that can't be helped. This type of emotional turmoil can result in some serious mental illness and professional help should be sought. Trust me....been there....done that! (But almost always found evidence of my ex's multiple infidelities!)

For the general snoopers though, one might say that it symbolizes distrust. I don't necessarily think that's the case. It could be baggage, but personally, I'm just nosy. LOL I highly doubt Papa Bear would ever cheat on me. He's not that kind of guy and has enough problems with me. He doesn't need any more! :) One of the things I value most about my relationship with Papa Bear is I have never caught him in a lie. Sometimes he's too honest for his own damn good!

Men aren't always the best at communicating, especially emotions. If I find something handwritten of Papa Bear's, naturally I'm going to read it out of curiosity. He frowns upon this. Not because he's hiding something, rather because he thinks I'm not respecting his privacy. Give me a break! Didn't he realize he lost the gift of privacy the day he said I love you???

So here is something that challenges my beliefs. As I've mentioned previously, I'm a great preacher and a horrible practicer! Of course every human being on earth has the right to their own privacy. It is completely unfair and disrespectful not to grant them this God given right. I know this. I feel strongly about this. Yet...I still snoop. Shame on me!

Patience in Love

God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

What a beautiful saying! It's too bad that it's not as easy as it sounds.Perhaps it IS up to me, but how do I find the patience to decide to let him stay and refuse to let go?

I don't know about you but in my love relationship, when the really tough times approach, my automatic reaction is to run. I want out! I want to move on. I want to leave his ass! I feel I deserve better. And it's not until the rough patch is over that I look back and reflect, wondering how we made it through AGAIN.

As I mentioned previously, Papa Bear and I are attending couples counseling. Our last visit we were in a full blown fight! He pulled his same crap again-same fight we've had a billion times over the past six years. To me, it's a breaker! It's one of those fights where you're analyzing different survival methods without him. Are you familiar?

Anyway, I walk into the therapist's office and burst into tears at the question, "How are you?" (Yeah, I wasn't in the best frame of mind!) After explaining our ordeal, my very friendly and down to earth psychotherapist explained that I can't expect a change in two sessions. It takes 6-12 months of ongoing therapy before a person can start to work through behavioral changes. I know that sounds realistic, but not to the person involved! SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR?!? Are you kidding me? Wasn't the threat of couples counseling enough to knock his head out of his rear? Apparently NOT!

I have barely been able to get through this last troublesome time. Where am I going to find the patience and strength to hang on another 365 days, 8760 minutes?

I find my biggest motivator to be patient through the tough times in my relationship is my children. Who wants to share holidays and weekends? Who wants the uncomfortable feeling of the "ex" at school functions and extracurricular activities?

Deep inside I know that people mature at different rates. Papa Bear is not the same as he was when he was 28 years old, nor myself. He HAS improved. We are both changing at different paces. It is natural to mature at different rates and for conflict to arise because of the differences in goals, dreams, passions and personalities. This is a common problem in ALL relationships.

It is also very common for two people to fall in love with each other because of their differences, only to find out later that these differences create a lot of conflict. For example, I am an organization freak. I am a planner and consistency makes me feel stable and secure. Papa Bear is spontaneous and a live by the heat of the moment type of guy. Initially we were attracted to each others' differences. Now we pretty much resent each other for them.

These are text book problems. You will find information on these common problems in a majority of books on marriage and relationships. Those are the problems and patience is the answer. But no one really discusses how. It is just assumed that patience will come naturally. Patience is not natural for everyone and surely not for me! Everyday I wonder how people survive in a marriage for an entire lifetime. How do they get through all of these "common problems"? Does it ever get better than this? Some people are stuck financially and are forced to stay married. Do they resolve their issues and ever find happiness? Or do they live miserably until the day they die?

Besides sticking it out for my kids, all I can do is pray really hard and try to focus on the good. We may not be having "good times" right now, but we have had them many many times before. Papa bear loves me very much. He's funny, handsome, intelligent, honest, hard working and a great Dad. At times he really can be one of my best friends. No one is perfect. Our issues are repairable. They aren't things that can't be changed. He's going to therapy for the sake of saving our relationship. Surprisingly he is responding well. We are both very fond of our counselor. In only two sessions she has spent a lot of time getting to know Papa Bear. He is honest, attentive and open with her. I think good things could happen if he keeps it up.

Oh and the best part....the couples therapist said it's going to get worse before it gets better. hahahah......LOL....OF COURSE IT IS!!! Obviously that makes perfect sense. We open up, discuss the negative feelings we have towards each other..... the deep bitterness and resentment, of course it's going to get worse.

Why does love have to be so much work?

Cohabitation & Marriage Domestic Responsibilities

One of the things that has really instilled a lot of aggravation in me lately is the fact that my guy (we'll refer to him as "Papa Bear" from now on) doesn't hold up his end of the household responsibilities sometimes. He has been laid off since Thanksgiving. The first week of January we both started home improvement projects. Obviously his is much more involved than mine. I painted the bathroom and all of the cabinets. His project was/is to rebuild our kitchen cabinets from scratch. (Which is actually a project that results from a home improvement project gone bad that I attempted to do years ago. Regardless....he's taken the responsibility to revamp the cabinets.) I work two jobs and had the bathroom done in a week, working endlessly until it was complete. He works a side job here and there while he is laid off and has accomplished cutting the wood.

If he was working his butt off, I would not complain. But he's a sleepaholic and rather then getting up and working on the cabinets, he sleeps all day. To top it off, on the days he hasn't slept all day, he went out partying with his friends whom are also laid off. And now he tells me he has to take a ride with his buddy upstate to go return a crib with him. Are you kidding me?? He can ALWAYS jump to do a favor for his friends but when it comes to improving something for our house, it's like having teeth pulled without the Novocaine!!

Managing household chores and responsibilities is a very common problem in marriage and cohabiting relationships. When someone doesn't hold up their end of the deal it is extremely irritating and frustrating. I do not believe this is a legitimate reason to call it quits. This is where the work comes in. It's important to communicate in a non-threatening way when you feel angry or it will build into bitterness and resentment. ( That's where I have a problem. My communication comes across as nagging or sarcastic. I've been working on effective communication for years!) It is also important to pick your battles. If you constantly "discuss" how the socks on the floor or dirty plate on the table bother you, eventually it will not get taken seriously. Suck those minor irritations up and try to focus on the positive. One day that person may pass on before you and you will miss their obvious presence.