What do you do when it gets so bad that it's to the point of unhealthy? In marriage and long term relationships, I have discovered through experience and research that it's totally natural to fall in and out of love. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus describes it as a dance. As adults we know and expect this to happen. We work at nurturing the relationship, evaluate how we can improve ourselves and make our spouse happier. We wait out the rough times. It's all about give and take. It requires patience, effort and sometimes sucking up things we feel may not be fair.
But what happens when there is so much anger and resentment that the patience, understanding, forgiveness and love is no longer present on either side? Neither person has any strength or motivation left to give. The feelings toward each other almost become hate (or at least feel like it). Conversation turns into verbal abuse and each others presence provokes feelings of repulsiveness.
I have very strong values in marriage. (Something that is not mutual between Pappa Bear & I, but that is for another post.) When you love someone and make the commitment of marriage, you give your word to love, honor and trust through GOOD TIMES AND BAD!! You promise to stick it out and WORK, even when you feel you can't stand the other person. You give your word and betraying that is dishonest, disloyal and dishonorable. I believe the only exception to divorce is when there is infidelity (because the promise was broken right there) and obviously physical abuse. In my opinion, abuse should be addressed in the vows. Physical harm is unacceptable in ANY type of relationship!!!!
I believe it is extremely detrimental to a child's future when they come from a broken home. Granted, they CAN grow to be loving, fulfilled and happy adults. But do you really think the kids want to split holidays, weekends and all of the other grief that comes along with separated parents? What do you think goes through their minds when they have to draw pictures of their families in school? Or when they have to explain to classmates and teachers their family drama? Things come up and an explanation is needed. I was a single parent. I experienced it first hand. Trust me, it happens! There are several different types of circumstances where this occurs. For example, sleepovers. Why can't little Sally go to the sleep over? Because it's her Dad's weekend? Oh. That stinks. You would think that in this day in age with all of the broken families and single parents it would be normal. But it's not. It's very embarrassing for the kids and heartbreaking as an adult.
So which is better for the kids? To be embarrassed and feel sad? Or to see their parents disrespecting each other, verbally abusing each other and being manipulative?
Do you break the vows you made? The promise to God, the other person and yourself? What is the answer? My question goes beyond counseling. I'm speaking of unsuccessful counseling and years of misery. What do you do? What do you believe in? Where do your morals stand? When is enough enough?
Do all relationships reach this point at some time or another? Will you continuously repeat history? Every time it gets bad, walk out? Will you ever find everlasting love? Or will you grow old alone? Will that make you happier?
I think just about everyone experiences these feelings at one time or another. The answer is an individual choice that can't be made by anyone but yourself. Follow what your heart tells you to do. Shut off your mind and listen. What do you know down deep inside is truly the right answer for you?
Any insight? Please share your thoughts. I would love to hear.
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Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.
ReplyDeleteWell that doesn't sound very fun.
ReplyDeleteI understand that you can't always take, but I don't think you should be the only one giving either.
In my experience, I have never been able to control whom I've fallen in or out of love with. Fun and casual friendships with no expectations developed into long term love relationships. I totally get what you are saying about entering a relationship with an intent to gain being counterproductive, but I believe it is unrealistic to be in a relationship with someone and not have certain expectations because we are all raised with values. Granted, I firmly believe that expectation can be detrimental to all relationships and eliminating them increases the chances of a harmonious relationship. But let's be real here, who has the power to only give and not expect anything in return? To accept feelings of being mistreated or disrespected and be ok with that? And on top of it, still want to give? It's a great guideline and goal to try follow and reach. God bless anyone who has the strength! For me, I am only human. I can only pray for the strength to keep on giving and loving, despite how I am treated in return.