Love Relationships: When is Enough Enough?

Fortunately, this post is not about my relationship. Thank God!





What do you do when it gets so bad that it's to the point of unhealthy? In marriage and long term relationships, I have discovered through experience and research that it's totally natural to fall in and out of love. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus describes it as a dance. As adults we know and expect this to happen. We work at nurturing the relationship, evaluate how we can improve ourselves and make our spouse happier. We wait out the rough times. It's all about give and take. It requires patience, effort and sometimes sucking up things we feel may not be fair.

But what happens when there is so much anger and resentment that the patience, understanding, forgiveness and love is no longer present on either side? Neither person has any strength or motivation left to give. The feelings toward each other almost become hate (or at least feel like it). Conversation turns into verbal abuse and each others presence provokes feelings of repulsiveness.

I have very strong values in marriage. (Something that is not mutual between Pappa Bear & I, but that is for another post.) When you love someone and make the commitment of marriage, you give your word to love, honor and trust through GOOD TIMES AND BAD!! You promise to stick it out and WORK, even when you feel you can't stand the other person. You give your word and betraying that is dishonest, disloyal and dishonorable. I believe the only exception to divorce is when there is infidelity (because the promise was broken right there) and obviously physical abuse. In my opinion, abuse should be addressed in the vows. Physical harm is unacceptable in ANY type of relationship!!!!

I believe it is extremely detrimental to a child's future when they come from a broken home. Granted, they CAN grow to be loving, fulfilled and happy adults. But do you really think the kids want to split holidays, weekends and all of the other grief that comes along with separated parents? What do you think goes through their minds when they have to draw pictures of their families in school? Or when they have to explain to classmates and teachers their family drama? Things come up and an explanation is needed. I was a single parent. I experienced it first hand. Trust me, it happens! There are several different types of circumstances where this occurs. For example, sleepovers. Why can't little Sally go to the sleep over? Because it's her Dad's weekend? Oh. That stinks. You would think that in this day in age with all of the broken families and single parents it would be normal. But it's not. It's very embarrassing for the kids and heartbreaking as an adult.

So which is better for the kids? To be embarrassed and feel sad? Or to see their parents disrespecting each other, verbally abusing each other and being manipulative?

Do you break the vows you made? The promise to God, the other person and yourself? What is the answer? My question goes beyond counseling. I'm speaking of unsuccessful counseling and years of misery. What do you do? What do you believe in? Where do your morals stand? When is enough enough?

Do all relationships reach this point at some time or another? Will you continuously repeat history? Every time it gets bad, walk out? Will you ever find everlasting love? Or will you grow old alone? Will that make you happier?

I think just about everyone experiences these feelings at one time or another. The answer is an individual choice that can't be made by anyone but yourself. Follow what your heart tells you to do. Shut off your mind and listen. What do you know down deep inside is truly the right answer for you?



Any insight? Please share your thoughts. I would love to hear.

Cohabitation & Marriage Domestic Responsibilities

One of the things that has really instilled a lot of aggravation in me lately is the fact that my guy (we'll refer to him as "Papa Bear" from now on) doesn't hold up his end of the household responsibilities sometimes. He has been laid off since Thanksgiving. The first week of January we both started home improvement projects. Obviously his is much more involved than mine. I painted the bathroom and all of the cabinets. His project was/is to rebuild our kitchen cabinets from scratch. (Which is actually a project that results from a home improvement project gone bad that I attempted to do years ago. Regardless....he's taken the responsibility to revamp the cabinets.) I work two jobs and had the bathroom done in a week, working endlessly until it was complete. He works a side job here and there while he is laid off and has accomplished cutting the wood.

If he was working his butt off, I would not complain. But he's a sleepaholic and rather then getting up and working on the cabinets, he sleeps all day. To top it off, on the days he hasn't slept all day, he went out partying with his friends whom are also laid off. And now he tells me he has to take a ride with his buddy upstate to go return a crib with him. Are you kidding me?? He can ALWAYS jump to do a favor for his friends but when it comes to improving something for our house, it's like having teeth pulled without the Novocaine!!

Managing household chores and responsibilities is a very common problem in marriage and cohabiting relationships. When someone doesn't hold up their end of the deal it is extremely irritating and frustrating. I do not believe this is a legitimate reason to call it quits. This is where the work comes in. It's important to communicate in a non-threatening way when you feel angry or it will build into bitterness and resentment. ( That's where I have a problem. My communication comes across as nagging or sarcastic. I've been working on effective communication for years!) It is also important to pick your battles. If you constantly "discuss" how the socks on the floor or dirty plate on the table bother you, eventually it will not get taken seriously. Suck those minor irritations up and try to focus on the positive. One day that person may pass on before you and you will miss their obvious presence.

Intoduction To Love Stinks

I am not a cynical woman. Perhaps I am like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. I believe in love, but often have a hard time with it.

Relationships are so much work! Are they supposed to be this way? How do people last a lifetime together?

I have done a lot of research and believe me, I know a lot of statistics. Although I'm sure the numbers have changed over the years, the bottom line is relationships ARE WORK. They require an ungodly amount of patience and effort. But for me, I'm always better at preaching rather than practicing.

It's only fair to give a little history. I have been with my man for 5 years....since 2003. We took a sabbatical from 2005-2006. We are in our 30's. We have a daughter who's almost 2 and I have a 12 years old he treats (almost) like his own. We have lived together since the beginning. It was "love at first sight" with us. He is me, but the opposite sex......so I thought years ago.

It's really hard to spill 5 years of good and bad times together all in one entry. I have big ideas for this blog and hope it someday evolves into a site of it's own. The goal I hope to achieve is to help other people who feel unhappy in their relationships understand they are not alone. Love is not a happy fairytale. Love is work! A lot of work! Sometimes we find our spouse or significant other repulsive. Honestly, I think that's normal. LOL. But that is why I am here, to learn, to share, to grow and to try and understand why sometimes I feel like no matter what I'm just never going to be happy. Perhaps it's because I'm female????