Patience in Love

God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

What a beautiful saying! It's too bad that it's not as easy as it sounds.Perhaps it IS up to me, but how do I find the patience to decide to let him stay and refuse to let go?

I don't know about you but in my love relationship, when the really tough times approach, my automatic reaction is to run. I want out! I want to move on. I want to leave his ass! I feel I deserve better. And it's not until the rough patch is over that I look back and reflect, wondering how we made it through AGAIN.

As I mentioned previously, Papa Bear and I are attending couples counseling. Our last visit we were in a full blown fight! He pulled his same crap again-same fight we've had a billion times over the past six years. To me, it's a breaker! It's one of those fights where you're analyzing different survival methods without him. Are you familiar?

Anyway, I walk into the therapist's office and burst into tears at the question, "How are you?" (Yeah, I wasn't in the best frame of mind!) After explaining our ordeal, my very friendly and down to earth psychotherapist explained that I can't expect a change in two sessions. It takes 6-12 months of ongoing therapy before a person can start to work through behavioral changes. I know that sounds realistic, but not to the person involved! SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR?!? Are you kidding me? Wasn't the threat of couples counseling enough to knock his head out of his rear? Apparently NOT!

I have barely been able to get through this last troublesome time. Where am I going to find the patience and strength to hang on another 365 days, 8760 minutes?

I find my biggest motivator to be patient through the tough times in my relationship is my children. Who wants to share holidays and weekends? Who wants the uncomfortable feeling of the "ex" at school functions and extracurricular activities?

Deep inside I know that people mature at different rates. Papa Bear is not the same as he was when he was 28 years old, nor myself. He HAS improved. We are both changing at different paces. It is natural to mature at different rates and for conflict to arise because of the differences in goals, dreams, passions and personalities. This is a common problem in ALL relationships.

It is also very common for two people to fall in love with each other because of their differences, only to find out later that these differences create a lot of conflict. For example, I am an organization freak. I am a planner and consistency makes me feel stable and secure. Papa Bear is spontaneous and a live by the heat of the moment type of guy. Initially we were attracted to each others' differences. Now we pretty much resent each other for them.

These are text book problems. You will find information on these common problems in a majority of books on marriage and relationships. Those are the problems and patience is the answer. But no one really discusses how. It is just assumed that patience will come naturally. Patience is not natural for everyone and surely not for me! Everyday I wonder how people survive in a marriage for an entire lifetime. How do they get through all of these "common problems"? Does it ever get better than this? Some people are stuck financially and are forced to stay married. Do they resolve their issues and ever find happiness? Or do they live miserably until the day they die?

Besides sticking it out for my kids, all I can do is pray really hard and try to focus on the good. We may not be having "good times" right now, but we have had them many many times before. Papa bear loves me very much. He's funny, handsome, intelligent, honest, hard working and a great Dad. At times he really can be one of my best friends. No one is perfect. Our issues are repairable. They aren't things that can't be changed. He's going to therapy for the sake of saving our relationship. Surprisingly he is responding well. We are both very fond of our counselor. In only two sessions she has spent a lot of time getting to know Papa Bear. He is honest, attentive and open with her. I think good things could happen if he keeps it up.

Oh and the best part....the couples therapist said it's going to get worse before it gets better. hahahah......LOL....OF COURSE IT IS!!! Obviously that makes perfect sense. We open up, discuss the negative feelings we have towards each other..... the deep bitterness and resentment, of course it's going to get worse.

Why does love have to be so much work?