God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
What a beautiful saying! It's too bad that it's not as easy as it sounds.Perhaps it IS up to me, but how do I find the patience to decide to let him stay and refuse to let go?
I don't know about you but in my love relationship, when the really tough times approach, my automatic reaction is to run. I want out! I want to move on. I want to leave his ass! I feel I deserve better. And it's not until the rough patch is over that I look back and reflect, wondering how we made it through AGAIN.
As I mentioned previously, Papa Bear and I are attending couples counseling. Our last visit we were in a full blown fight! He pulled his same crap again-same fight we've had a billion times over the past six years. To me, it's a breaker! It's one of those fights where you're analyzing different survival methods without him. Are you familiar?
Anyway, I walk into the therapist's office and burst into tears at the question, "How are you?" (Yeah, I wasn't in the best frame of mind!) After explaining our ordeal, my very friendly and down to earth psychotherapist explained that I can't expect a change in two sessions. It takes 6-12 months of ongoing therapy before a person can start to work through behavioral changes. I know that sounds realistic, but not to the person involved! SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR?!? Are you kidding me? Wasn't the threat of couples counseling enough to knock his head out of his rear? Apparently NOT!
I have barely been able to get through this last troublesome time. Where am I going to find the patience and strength to hang on another 365 days, 8760 minutes?
I find my biggest motivator to be patient through the tough times in my relationship is my children. Who wants to share holidays and weekends? Who wants the uncomfortable feeling of the "ex" at school functions and extracurricular activities?
Deep inside I know that people mature at different rates. Papa Bear is not the same as he was when he was 28 years old, nor myself. He HAS improved. We are both changing at different paces. It is natural to mature at different rates and for conflict to arise because of the differences in goals, dreams, passions and personalities. This is a common problem in ALL relationships.
It is also very common for two people to fall in love with each other because of their differences, only to find out later that these differences create a lot of conflict. For example, I am an organization freak. I am a planner and consistency makes me feel stable and secure. Papa Bear is spontaneous and a live by the heat of the moment type of guy. Initially we were attracted to each others' differences. Now we pretty much resent each other for them.
These are text book problems. You will find information on these common problems in a majority of books on marriage and relationships. Those are the problems and patience is the answer. But no one really discusses how. It is just assumed that patience will come naturally. Patience is not natural for everyone and surely not for me! Everyday I wonder how people survive in a marriage for an entire lifetime. How do they get through all of these "common problems"? Does it ever get better than this? Some people are stuck financially and are forced to stay married. Do they resolve their issues and ever find happiness? Or do they live miserably until the day they die?
Besides sticking it out for my kids, all I can do is pray really hard and try to focus on the good. We may not be having "good times" right now, but we have had them many many times before. Papa bear loves me very much. He's funny, handsome, intelligent, honest, hard working and a great Dad. At times he really can be one of my best friends. No one is perfect. Our issues are repairable. They aren't things that can't be changed. He's going to therapy for the sake of saving our relationship. Surprisingly he is responding well. We are both very fond of our counselor. In only two sessions she has spent a lot of time getting to know Papa Bear. He is honest, attentive and open with her. I think good things could happen if he keeps it up.
Oh and the best part....the couples therapist said it's going to get worse before it gets better. hahahah......LOL....OF COURSE IT IS!!! Obviously that makes perfect sense. We open up, discuss the negative feelings we have towards each other..... the deep bitterness and resentment, of course it's going to get worse.
Why does love have to be so much work?
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Couples Counseling
I have never been a big fan of counseling. From previous experience, therapists sent me home with books to read and worksheet homework assignments. That is stuff I can do on my own without paying $200.00 per hour. For the past 10 years of my life, I have chosen my own path for self discovery. I have read several books about psychology, human behavior, marriage, gender and so forth. I probably have spent less than $200.00 on all of the books I've read. I have grown tremendously and prospered emotionally and spiritually.
Additionally, no one can change me but myself. I am the creator of my life. I am the artist painting my picture. I can paint it any way I would like. If something is out of my control, I grieve it (if applicable), accept it and try to let it go. Generally, I'm a fix myself type of gal (YIKES-maybe that's the problem! Just kidding.) I consider myself to be very intelligent and when something is outside of my power, I turn to God. I have a very strong faith in God and trust that if something works out in a way I'm unhappy about, there IS a reason and one day I will know what the reason was.
Sometimes we have the power to change things, but may not know how or choose not to. In these type of situations a psychotherapist may help. There ARE times when we need an unbiased opinion from an outsider we can trust. There are different circumstances for everyone.
When it comes to relationships and marriage, we cannot change our partners. We do not have the power to change our partners actions and behaviors. We may try and sometimes they may cooperate, but often times trying to change our partners results in bitterness and resentment.
Communication is detrimental to the success of a relationship. Papa Bear & I have the worst communication EVER! (Poor communication can be fatal in relationships and are often the root of marriage problems.) It doesn't matter how many times I try to express my feelings or in how many ways. I've tried irrational screaming and throwing things, talking calmly, writing letters and direct talking without emotion. I've gone as crazy as making him a video to watch alone. (Love can make ya nuts!) I just can't seem to get through to him. After 5/6 years of the same vicious cycle of fighting, I have gotten to the point where my anger and resentment is too much to bear. Our intimacy has decreased tremendously and I often wonder how I feel anymore. I know I love him, but I haven't felt in love in awhile. I am exhausted. I am tired of saying the same things over and over again and the results not changing. I'm sure he's just as tired of hearing it.
Despite my feelings about psychotherapy, We (I) have decided to seek professional assistance. I am desperate to save my relationship and my family. I DO NOT want to give up, yet I feel my motivation to work on our relationship rapidly declining. I don't have much strength left to fight.
I hate to say I'm going to relationship counselor because I'm looking for a referee. Perhaps I'm looking for that unbiased opinion. I need someone to open up years worth of wounds and help us heal them through effective communication. I want someone to explain to Papa Bear that I'm not crazy and/or unreasonable. I want to say things and mean them. I need to be able to cope with the fact that we have been raised differently and have different values. We are wired differently and have different perspectives and expectations. We are maturing at different rates and have different goals and mindsets. I'm a fantastic preacher, but not too good at practicing what I preach. Although I understand our differences, I don't know how to NOT let them hurt me. I try that "choosing" crap and it just doesn't work for me. I really hope and pray we gain something from professional couples counseling and our relationship improves.
I would love to hear others' experiences with couples or marriage counseling. Has it worked for you?
If you are experiencing marriage problems and want to find a couples counselor near you, visit The Family & Marriage Directory after you read How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor.
Additionally, no one can change me but myself. I am the creator of my life. I am the artist painting my picture. I can paint it any way I would like. If something is out of my control, I grieve it (if applicable), accept it and try to let it go. Generally, I'm a fix myself type of gal (YIKES-maybe that's the problem! Just kidding.) I consider myself to be very intelligent and when something is outside of my power, I turn to God. I have a very strong faith in God and trust that if something works out in a way I'm unhappy about, there IS a reason and one day I will know what the reason was.
Sometimes we have the power to change things, but may not know how or choose not to. In these type of situations a psychotherapist may help. There ARE times when we need an unbiased opinion from an outsider we can trust. There are different circumstances for everyone.
When it comes to relationships and marriage, we cannot change our partners. We do not have the power to change our partners actions and behaviors. We may try and sometimes they may cooperate, but often times trying to change our partners results in bitterness and resentment.
Communication is detrimental to the success of a relationship. Papa Bear & I have the worst communication EVER! (Poor communication can be fatal in relationships and are often the root of marriage problems.) It doesn't matter how many times I try to express my feelings or in how many ways. I've tried irrational screaming and throwing things, talking calmly, writing letters and direct talking without emotion. I've gone as crazy as making him a video to watch alone. (Love can make ya nuts!) I just can't seem to get through to him. After 5/6 years of the same vicious cycle of fighting, I have gotten to the point where my anger and resentment is too much to bear. Our intimacy has decreased tremendously and I often wonder how I feel anymore. I know I love him, but I haven't felt in love in awhile. I am exhausted. I am tired of saying the same things over and over again and the results not changing. I'm sure he's just as tired of hearing it.
Despite my feelings about psychotherapy, We (I) have decided to seek professional assistance. I am desperate to save my relationship and my family. I DO NOT want to give up, yet I feel my motivation to work on our relationship rapidly declining. I don't have much strength left to fight.
I hate to say I'm going to relationship counselor because I'm looking for a referee. Perhaps I'm looking for that unbiased opinion. I need someone to open up years worth of wounds and help us heal them through effective communication. I want someone to explain to Papa Bear that I'm not crazy and/or unreasonable. I want to say things and mean them. I need to be able to cope with the fact that we have been raised differently and have different values. We are wired differently and have different perspectives and expectations. We are maturing at different rates and have different goals and mindsets. I'm a fantastic preacher, but not too good at practicing what I preach. Although I understand our differences, I don't know how to NOT let them hurt me. I try that "choosing" crap and it just doesn't work for me. I really hope and pray we gain something from professional couples counseling and our relationship improves.
I would love to hear others' experiences with couples or marriage counseling. Has it worked for you?
If you are experiencing marriage problems and want to find a couples counselor near you, visit The Family & Marriage Directory after you read How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor.
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